New life New me?

This blog.  Not sure why I've kept it. Hmm  Did ppl really send love letters or messages in bottles out to sea and REALLY expect a response?  Idk why we do it.  Why we are screaming into this void.  For attention?  Relief?  Maybe I'll wake up some day and not recognize myself and need something to reference?  Ha  Welp, I've moved to Huntington beach, with my soul mate er mates.  Isiah is 9 I think lol He's smarter than me sometimes (mostly) he loves reading, like seriously.  Got a medal at his last school for reading.  Didn't even know they did that.  I've heard jokes about how they give kids awards and medals for almost everything lol jokes on me. But they should, they will remember it, consciously or subconsciously-it doesn't matter.  It builds them up and why should't they be?  Its their time to stand tall not knowing what the world is really made of.  Mostly garbage, waste and secretly unhappy unfulfilled ppl.  For every award and medal I feel envious.  I look at him and think…how did I get so unlucky (as a child).  He has two loving parents who would do anything for him (seriously I've imagined chewing my own fingers off if I had to for him; or fighting off a bear etc…) His dad is all G.I. Joe so I'm pretty sure he'd do some gnarly shit on his behalf.  But I seriously got the shit end of the stick.  My best friend lost her mom to cancer.  The whole thing had me feeling disgustingly sad about my sob story but also made me realize I get to be the kind of mom to Zay that I wish I had and my best friend DID have…  Any way.  About two years ago I started dating my best guy friend.  He's dragged me through some pretty great adventures, Isiah was living with his dad for a bit and he could see how heart broken I was-so he duffel bagged me up to WA to visit for a valentines day weekend.  I gave him crap for not getting me flowers or chocolate (which I live for).  But I knew the most romantic thing he (anyone) could ever do is recognize the sadness I had and actually do something about it.  Actions speak louder than words.  I just gave him crap bc I could (bc why not) and I knew we were going to be for a while.  I'd get flowers and chocolate many times after…  I got a shit covered end of a stick, he didn't even have a stick it was just shit.  We have shitty mothers but he also had (or didn't) a shitty father.  He makes me laugh, cry, angry, passionate but mostly happy.  Mostly Loved  We've started this new life together and its been like ripping nails from fingers to let go of a lot of things.  e.g. I woke up wanting to make an enormous pot of greens (a wonderful vegetarian recipe I found and amp'd up with some delicious fantastic jalepenos from trader joe's) but couldn't find my enormous pot.  I saved that pot.  When I lived in that duplex/house with the perfect tiny backyard Zay loved so much.  I adopted it from the salvation army down the street and around the corner and here I am today one less pot 8 hours away from everything I knew for all of my "adult" life.  Typical woman post, crying over a pot.  Not crying, reminiscing.  My stomach is crying.   I made wonderful soups, spaghetti's, stews, carnitas, adobo's, greens…butter… the memories  UGH  My love just wants to go buy me another but I said not to.  Not to fuck with him (well sort of)  I want to rescue a new pot.  I want (need) to start the new life new me. xoxo

Ello there!

This thing is disgustingly old.

Makes me feel my true age.ugh.

Yikes!

Reading some older messages on my fb account and looking into my photobucket, I suddenly felt nauseous!

Why?

Because I was staring into my past, like gazing off into the rear view mirror and realizing your on the freeway going 50 in 5 o'clock traffic!

SNAP BACK!

Even though I seam fearless in person, contemplating on my past will still make my knees weak.

I wish I could delete it all.

Some of it, (even on this blog) is a bad accident on the side of the road, you have to ignore but can't resist.

Deliciously dangerous.

Juicy even.

Quick flash forward since my last post:

No car; All natural commute (my cute legs aren't complaining) ;)

Finished school; for the time being *shrugs*

I am officially a Legal Secretary/Clerk Yeah yea yeaah!

I have a duplex/house with a backyard that my son loveees.

My son is six now, going strong, missing his first tooth and is an absolute gentlemen.

My relationship with his father did not make it however; That bridge is completely demolished.

After a dramatic what could have been a MTV show escape, I completely removed myself from his "emotional baggage"/love triangle- Simply by blocking any and everyone on my social media accounts 

(haha imagine that one).

Unfortunately the only relationship that is hurting is my son's with his father.

But it is not my problem to fix and it is not anything I can help.

Thus, my catering to his needs/wants has concluded.; My main focus is my Isiah as it should be.

My family (on my mom's side) is slowly but surely moving out here, my uncles moved to Palm Springs, my eldest cousin to Riverside, my Mom & her BF to SF and we are still trying to convince my grams to move her dusty butt out here.

I have came to the decision I do not believe in societies definition of "marriage" (under religious organization).

And

I might not be meant for the monogamous "relationship" paradigm.

I've concluded being happily single is much rewarding than unhappily married.

And social media is overrated.

Good Night xoxo